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Bittersweet Symphony

I sent his present today. I could have left it off, but I already told him I was sending it. I like to keep my word that way. It was I have to say so bittersweet of a moment for me. Just a week ago, I was so excited about sending it. The card, the box, the tissue were chosen with care. I’m one of those people you see standing at the card rack for a long time trying to pick out the right card. Yes, I’m laughing at times too. Call me funny card lady.

So when I prepared it for it’s final box and drove it to the post office,  so much of me was sad. It should have been a really joyous occasion,  but it lost that for me. I would have like to have heard his reaction,  but it was me that asked him not to contact me and I know he will honour that.  Sitting in the car, my mind flickered to what might have been again.  This is the hardest part.

Truthfully it will not be so easy for me to get over him and move on. I know this.  I had to stop because I had to make the decision that pained me the most:  to try to put it behind and try to find someone willing to be there for me. Someone who cared enough to work at it. He wasn’t perfect and I know his condition made it hard, but I had to face the truth that it wouldn’t go anywhere unless he started getting serious about treatment,  and about commitment.  I waited and hoped for a long time it would happen. I felt unimportant and used to an extent. Still he has taught me more about me than any other man. I will miss him dearly, but I won’t miss the anguish and agony of being alone and uncertain.  I know in time,  this is the right step.

I hope it turns out well and he enjoys it.

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